


Love is not a Cure

by VyRed



Series: Love is not a Cure [1]
Category: Dear Evan Hansen - Pasek & Paul/Levenson
Genre: AND GAY, Alternate Universe - Everyone Lives/Nobody Dies, Anxiety, Bipolar Disorder, Depression, Drug Use, F/F, I just needed something, I'm a shit writer, Implied/Referenced Suicide, Jared is the fifth wheel, M/M, Sexual Humor, This was done in an hour, This will be angsty, and a mess, but it'll be ok, google is telling me Connor is spelled Conner, it's not gonna be perfect
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2017-05-04
Updated: 2017-05-10
Packaged: 2018-10-27 22:51:50
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 2
Words: 2,113
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/10818411
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/VyRed/pseuds/VyRed
Summary: Evan Hansen suffers from severe social anxiety and everyday is a struggle. Connor Murphy has no idea what's wrong with him, he only knows he's a monster. A misunderstanding leads one of them down a destructive spiral, and the other fighting to keep it together. After a botched suicide attempt and yet another misunderstanding the two come together. Not everything can be fixed, not everyone can be saved. But they'll apply band aid's to the broken part's they can reach.





	1. Misunderstanding Part 1

**Author's Note:**

> Please let me start off saying, I have not written a fic in years, I do art lol, but Evan Hansen has touched my soul so I will do both. Also because I lost my tablet pen and this is all I can accomplish that pleases me. Anyways, if you find any mistakes please leave a comment and I'll do my best to keep up with them. This was written at 11 p.m and I am half awake. I'm aiming for a more canon complaint story despite the fact Connor does not die, but I think that a friendship between Evan and Connor would kinda start out ugly, their personalities don't match up that well. But they can do each other some good, once Connor get's the help he needs of course. Sorry for the rambling I'll fix everything when I can actually focus. Enjoy lol.

The clacking of the keyboards resounded off the tile floor of the computer lab, filling what would be an otherwise silent room.

Evan Hansen the only occupant, sat in the corner, away from prying eyes. Today had not been a great like he wished it to be, in fact it had been the complete opposite. 

He’d not only managed to get shoved by Connor Murphy, his classmate who was well known for having extreme anger issues, but he’d also managed to make a complete fool of himself in front of Zoe who had approached him after the whole Connor incident.

He stopped typing as the self-deprecating thoughts made their appearance.

‘You deserved it, worthless, can’t ever do anything right, couldn’t even talk to Zoe without becoming a stuttering mess’ Evan’s leg was bouncing, his fingers (on his good arm) curling into his palm until they were white.

His breathing, what was that again? It was pretty much non-existent. He knew he had to get his breathing under control lest he have yet another anxiety attack, and wouldn’t that be the highlight of the start of his senior year.

In and out, in theory, the exercise was simple enough, but with the panic settling into his bones it was getting harder to accomplish. But he did it anyway took in a deep breath and started the breathing exercises that his therapist had recommended, 4 count inhale, 4 count hold, 4 count exhale.

After a couple of minutes, his breathing was semi-normal again and he wasn’t feeling so light headed anymore. 

“Ok, I can do this, I need to write this letter so I don’t make myself into a bigger disappointment than I already am” Evan was determined finish this letter, no matter what. So he placed his hands with some difficulty back on the keyboard and began his typing again.

‘Dear Evan Hansen,  
Turns out this wasn’t an amazing day after all. This isn’t going to be an amazing week or an amazing year, because why would it be?   
I know, because there’s Zoe, and all my hope is pinned on Zoe, who I don’t even know, and doesn’t know me. Maybe if I could just talk to her. Maybe nothing would be different at all. I wish everything was different.   
I wish I was part of something. I wish that anything I said mattered to anyone. I mean face it, would anyone notice if I just disappeared tomorrow?   
Sincerely,   
Your most best, and dearest friend, Me’

Evan sighed, leaning back in his chair before moving the cursor across the screen and hitting print. Better something than nothing.

Evan waited a moment before standing up, he’d have to walk to the front of the room to get to the printer, where his letter to himself waited. That sounded even worse upon admitting that he had to write letters to himself.

He frowned a little to himself as he turned to make his way to the destination. He was however blocked by the one person he was not expecting to see, Connor Murphy. Evan backtracked a bit, surprised couldn’t explain how he was feeling at the moment. 

“I….I’m s...sorry..I-I didn’t see you” Evan managed to splutter out, much to his mortification his stutter was even more pronounced. Connor shook his head, his honey brown locks following the movement.

“S’fine, I..um..I came to apologize..uh..about earlier..I didn’t mean...I didn’t mean to take it out on you..it’s just Kleinman is a real asshole-I’m sorry” Evan who had been sweating bullets about being approached, alone, in the computer lab breathed a little easier at the apology. 

“It’s ok...I get it...Jared...y’know he doesn’t have..much of a filter” awkward silence ensued as Evan looked everywhere but at Connor, and the other boy did the same.

“So, uh what happened to your arm?” Evan’s head started to buzz at the question, he hated answering.

“I...kinda...fell out of a tree” Evan mumbled, hands going straight for the hem of his polo shirt, unable to control the nervous tick.

“Well, isn’t that just the fucking saddest thing I’ve ever heard” Evan could feel the flush spread across his face, of course Connor would think that, everyone thinks that.

While Evan was having a mini breakdown in his head, Connor let out a soft awkward laugh, before clearing his throat and proceeded to make another very painful and obvious observation.

“No one’s signed it” Evan froze.

“No..uh..I don’t have...anyone..or friends” Evan was choking on his words now. 

“I...I’ll sign it” Connor offered out his hand as if expecting something.

“Oh, n..no...you...you don’t...don’t have to” it wasn’t that Evan didn’t want Connor to because he thought he was a horrible person, whose name he didn’t want on his cast. He just didn’t want Connor to do it out of pity.

“Do you have a sharpie?” Connor pushed his hand still out, awaiting said writing utensil.

Evan blinked processing the comment, before slipping a hand into his pant’s pocket and fishing out the black sharpie he had put in there in hopes of being capable of asking people to sign his cast. He handed it to Connor, who popped of the cap and yanked Evans casted arm towards him; just a little to roughly.

Evan hissed out in pain and Connor dropped his arm as if he’d been burned.

“I.I..I’m sorry....I...I didn’t mean to..are you ok?” Connor was worried, worried that he’d yet again hurt Evan without meaning to because honestly could he ever do anything right in his life. 

“It’s ok” Connor when given reassurance, with a more gentle tug, proceeded to write his name. 

In the biggest and most obnoxious letter’s he could manage.

“There now we can at least pretend that we have a friend” the melancholic face took Evan by surprise, he’d never noticed Connor’s eyes; the deep set sadness that lurked beneath and the loneliness that dulled the murky blue. 

“Oh by the way, I found this on the printer...Dear Evan Hansen...that’s your name right? Evan Hansen..” and Connor had Evan’s letter in his hands.

‘Ohnonononononononono’ Evan’s mind seized, as Connor glanced at the paper, eyebrows coming to pinch together, the frown slowly developing into confusion, and then anger.


	2. Misunderstanding Part 2

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Evan Hansen can ultimately not be cut any slack when it comes to meeting with Connor Murphy. No, the universe is just not that kind.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Chrome Connor is not spelled Conner please stfu. So I had literally a quarter of this sitting on a doc but then I got slammed with all kinds of hw ugh. But here we are the scene in the computer lab, I took some liberties with the anxiety attack, all I have to go off are my own so hopefully its ok :) Let me know if you see any typos or grammar mistake. Enjoy!

“All my hope is pinned on Zoe…you wrote this so I would find it to, didn’t you” Connor’s voice trembled as he spoke, anger lacing every word. The paper was crumbling in his hand, his fingers clenched so hard Evan was sure that he would find nail marks embedded on the side.   
“You wrote this and you left it were I would find it because you knew I would be here, you knew I would read it and freak out” Connor spat, breath ragged, his once dull eyes igniting with fury. And Evan was quaking in his spot, this was not happening right now.  
Evan couldn’t even make a sound, his throat constricting until nothing could escape. He could only stand there as Connor’s face morphed into unadulterated rage.  
“You wanted me to lose it so that way you could go around and tell everyone about what a freak I am!” in a few steps the furious boy was in Evan’s face. Close enough to strike actual fear into Evan, the shove earlier had been child’s play, Connor could hit him right now. And being punched was not on Evan’s bucket list.  
“W…wai…wait that’s…that’s not what…what I was…pl…please” Evan’s stutter was at its worse, he couldn’t get anything out and what did come out made absolutely no sense because it was all jumbled together.   
But Connor couldn’t hear anything, the anger made his ears roar, and his mind blank. How dare this kid, this stupid, awkward, nervous wreck of a kid. He wasn’t going to take this bullshit he didn’t from the other kids, he wasn’t going to take it from Evan fucking Hansen.   
“Well FUCK YOU!!” and Connor turned on his heel and fled the room, bag thrashing against his thigh, hair whipping behind him. Evan was left reeling at the scene, it wasn’t until he had taken a couple quivering breaths did he realize. Connor Murphy had left with his letter, the one about Zoe…who was Connor’s sister. And whom Connor would share it with and she would cringe and call him disgusting and they would get a restraining order against Evan because he was such a creep.  
Evan was spiraling, the breath knocked out from his lungs, his mind fogging over with nothing but malicious thoughts and an overwhelming nothingness. This was it, he was going over the edge, and nothing could save him this time.  
Everything all at once became too much, the lights in the classroom were too bright, blinding him. The soft sound of the air conditioner was a resounding ocean crashing against his ears and his lunch was crawling back up his throat. He was overtaken by that familiar sense of dread, of mortification and self-hatred.  
He sank to the ground, legs pulled up tight against his chest, and face buried into his knees. What was wrong with him, why couldn’t he ever do anything right? His hands came to clutch at his hair, tugging hard enough to sting as thoughts crashed against each other each more venomous than the last.   
Worthless  
Useless  
Good for nothing  
No would even blink if you just disappeared  
He went from I can’t breathe to heaving too much air in a matter of seconds. His inhales and exhales got heavier and more ragged as he entered a full-blown anxiety attack, and everything was drowned out replaced with the sound of his breathing barraging his inner eardrums.   
‘stopstopstopstopstopstopstopstopstoppleasejuststopitpleaseplease’ Evan wanted to cry, or scream, throw up, to do all three. He couldn’t escape it the fear that clawed at his chest, the panic that clogged his arteries, the absolute humiliation of not only being caught writing creepy letters to himself but at having a complete and utter breakdown in the computer lab at school. He would never live this down, not if Connor shared with the entire school that Evan Hansen was a complete and utter freak, who stuttered through simple sentences, and wrote those stupid letters to himself.   
Evan didn’t know how long he sat there on the floor, waiting for the panic to recede, to catch his breath and regain his sense of awareness. But eventually he did, and he sat there some more just breathing and collecting his scattered thoughts until he could pull out his off-brand cell phone and check the time. An hour had passed, and with that a couple of calls and texts from his mom.   
Oh great.  
Let’s add to the list of all the things that went wrong today, worrying his mother which was one of the worst things. His mom was already killing herself to not only work a job to make sure the two would be able to sustain themselves, but to put herself through school so she might get a better job. Way to go Evan, son of the year.  
Evan was quiet as he stood up, staggering just a bit when he realized that his legs had fallen asleep from sitting so long. He soon regained feeling and adjusted so he was no longer wobbling around. He then opened the messaging app on his off-brand cellphone and texted his mom before she got even more worried about him. Once he had accomplished that he went about collecting his belongings with robotic movements, Evan had exhausted himself with all the crying and hyperventilating and right now all he wanted to do was go home and take a nap.   
By the time he got home, it was dark, he was dead on his feet, and he just couldn’t find the energy to be anxious about any homework due the next day. He started to his room, ignoring the $20 bill on the counter, Evan was too tired to eat, he didn’t want to deal with the delivery guy and the stupid notion of small talk while the person made change. As soon as he made it to his room, he just tossed his bag on his desk chair, kicked off his shoes and tossed himself onto the bed fully clothed.   
‘Dear, Evan Hansen today was not a great day, and here’s why. You were this close to actually making a friend, with Connor Murphy of all people and you managed to fuck it up with your stupid creepy therapy letter. Congratulations.’


End file.
